my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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