I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
