i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
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