I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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