Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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