My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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