I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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