The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
