I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
