I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
