im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
