I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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