Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
vagina is talking i cant
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
