Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
