we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
