I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
