This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
