i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
