He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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