we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
