I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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