nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
