i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
