I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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