Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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