Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
