you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
there is glitter all over my balls
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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