Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize