I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Houston, we have a blender
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
