he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
