He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
