Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
