and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
