Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
