Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
