I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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