I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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