WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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