he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
