Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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