dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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