i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
