someone threw a dead crab at me
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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