The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
well most of my day revolves around power hour
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
