I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
