seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
