Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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