mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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