yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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