My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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