I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
