Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
