you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
