My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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