I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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