Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize